Sunday, June 28, 2009

how does it feel to be brave...?

iphigenia

Some of the best people I know are more brave--to me--than Moses will ever be or truthfully any biblical or mythical character.

Brav·ery
Pronunciation: \ˈbrāv-rē, ˈbrā-və-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural brav·er·ies
Date: 1548
1: the quality or state of being brave : courage
2 a: fine clothes b: showy display

I've been busy this weekend with the babies Thursday after studies and Friday into late night. They were certainly a handful - Rubi more so than Abis. But she has rights and demands we meet and honestly being five years old is not easy. We love her change and argument - as long as she's respectful - we let her make her case, i.e., going to the park in 102 degree weather. She argued and pleaded, but this time she lost...for her own good. Another example pancakes at 11:00 at night. She won that one. A final example, playing games for kids (pbskids.org) past midnight. She lost that one.

Abis was good too and has discovered his toes and coos even louder - he actually laughs like a little boy when we kiss his neck and underneath his chin. It's hilarious because he is tickled and happy and coos non-stop. His little arms flail about and when we put our arms underneath his feet, he nearly springs out - his legs are so strong and he is sooooooooo fat. At four, almost five months he is eating gerber apples and carrots. His little lips smacked and smacked at the new tastes and Gera says, "Yeah, he thinks that's a chiche."

Finally, Saturday was our time. We were happy to have it, but love the little time we give the babies. They are worth it. In the midst of a busy weekend and lots to do, I was thinking about the people I know and have watched with my eyes succumb to cancer or to death in general: my 92 year old great grandmother, my very young father, even my brother and Israel came to mind. I always believe, I feel innately that I have been brave in surviving the loss of my only child--and trust me, there were times when I just wanted to go with her--my nostalgia to see her again, to hear her voice again to touch her again was overwhelming in the greatest since--nothing else mattered. It's a phenomenon, an experience that has no language. But I think back on the year 2003 of my father, of my maternal great grandmother - both passed in this same year from cancer. I was thinking of Farrah Fawcett and how brave she and my family members were for facing their enemy and I think about Israel for facing a different kind of enemy.

I will forever wear the shoes of a mother who lost her daughter, but there's a feeling that I don't know and that I am not sure if I could be as brave: facing cancer. To my loved ones who have and who do...you are my hero, now and forever.

6 comments:

ArtSparker said...

The blogoshpere has really brought home to me the impossibly painful things that people have to deal with. I believe most people would say that it's hard to imagine aloss more wrenching than yours. The photo you took of your daughter going down the steps stays with me. I hadn't thought about it till I took the animation class, but simply in order to walk, one falls forward and then catches oneself, over and over.

rosedale's 4 head said...

@Susan: Yes, her death anniversary, just two shy after her birthday is coming up - I'm feeling it and am experiencing a sadness for other losses - though her not being here with me is toll.

rosedale's 4 head said...

@at the nice, respectful anon emailer who wondered why i posted artwork of iphigenia...

my daughter was with me from the time i gave birth to her...i (and her grandfather)were the only ones who knew how to take care of her. when she died, she was with her father and his wife and children - for the first time ever...

i've never been bitter toward their carelessness, but i do believe that her father's ache is far greater than mine in a completely different way - i hurt, but i can sleep - in Jenn's 14 years of living, he spent only a weekend and then a final week with her - i had her lifetime....

thanks for asking and you could have asked here...i'm not shy or hesitant about anything....

notmassproduced said...

wow - how lucky your daughter was to have a mum like you. you are way beyond brave.

grrl+dog said...

bravery comes in all forms I guess..yours is a quiet, stand up kind..

Found art blog said...

Gosh. And wow.