Saturday, January 31, 2009

the good kind of envy

From Jean Painleve, titled Bust of a Seahorse 1930.


Ok so I am way over the fact that Gera and I might not be able to conceive naturally. I am resigned with this fact. I am fine, really. Yet, my sense and attraction to pregnant women has heightened like never before and I reminisce about my first pregnancy all the time, but not nonstop. I did so enjoy it then. And when I wrote that short story I posted way back, that female character who so desperately wanted a child was taken from someone else in my life at the time, not me. But when I re-read that story, I think mmm...I wonder if I was predicting my future and writing the character based on a future me. Okay, Artspark's Hamlet comes to mind right now....

But really, in all honesty, I've been fine.

Then...

I'm flipping through a book of French art we will discard because a library patron has slit out a page probably because it was either offensive, provocative, or they wanted perhaps to frame and put it on a wall, steal it and claim it as their own.

I'm flipping...

I come across this beautiful, stately seahorse which my camera does no justice, especially because I'm supposed to be working and I think, "Darn it, even a male seahorse can get knocked up faster than I!"

But really I'm okay. ArtSpark's post today was a beautiful reminder that being 'heady' is just part of being human. My envy of the seahorse is the good kind.

8 comments:

SunMie said...

Thanks for sharing...you know that it's ok not to be ok.

SunMie said...

What I mean is, I am sorry.
Serenity Prayer
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Never give up.

flawsnall said...

Thanks SunMie for your words of encouragement. I came across the seahorse and just had to post something about it. Despite my 'headiness'--the photo is stunning!

lilaphase said...

This is such a deeply emotional issue that I think we are all touched by in some way.

I wish you much comfort in 'those moments' when it is most needed, but also the appreciation of experiencing those deeply felt emotions.

mouse (aka kimy) said...

I am sending deep, deep hugs and thoughts of comfort and wishes of the fulfillment of your dream of conception (however it occurs! of course should conception happen I will add my wishes for a healthy pregnancy.) you have already experience the loss that no one should experience - the death of a child. it is the worst.... I empathize, I sympathize....I wish I had a magic wand....

lacking the wand, I send up thoughts and prayers that the joys of children will infuse you life in whatever way they will...

my own life has been affected by the death of a child and multiple miscarriages but I in my losses I found a strength and spirit I didn't know I possessed. I also got to a place where I realized we don't always 'get' what we want or what we deserve....but that we just get what we get. fortunately for us there are so many people - young and old - out there who are open and receptive to the love that we have to give.

namaste.....

ArtSparker said...

Things link up so...ease of conception for some with the page being torn out = Those People going through life not seeming to need/wish to stop and think (how i'm feeling about the Republicans at the moment).

You know that is what an artist most wants to hear, that her work is helpful in making the process of living better in some way? Thank you.

Seahorses, hmmm...

flawsnall said...

Thanks guys for the support.

@lilaphase: it feels sooo good to be vulnerable, especially when others are opened to being touched too.

@Kimy: Love this line, "I realized we don't always 'get' what we want or what we deserve....but that we just get what we get." So true. And the 'what we get' ain't so bad, right?

@ArtSparker: Thank god for artists! The world couldn't exist without you.

Anonymous said...

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