Sunday, December 28, 2008

the results have been in and I've been casting them and grabbing them

...all eggs and bad tubes...

We met with my doctor. The results and finds of my surgery show that my fallopian tubes are blocked with the worst: scar tissue. The build up is from surgical adhesions from my c-section years ago with my first baby. There's a possibility that a 1.5 month old miscarriage also lended to the scar tissue. I was able to get pregnant a second time so easily because the adhesions had not grown and I was much much younger.

He gave us this news and did tell me that his wife, who is my age, had the same issue and she only had one tube, one ovary. They have two children now via IVF. He told me that I should feel grateful that I have eggs. "You should see the faces when I have to say 'I'm sorry but you don't have any eggs'." And he managed to tell me all this without making it sound like I was ungrateful. He's a fine professional. But of course, his praise for my eggs, his wife's success, didn't make me feel any better off than women without eggs. Even still I smiled and nodded affirmatively. He also gave me pics of the surgery and explained the surgery and finds step by step in detail. He then sent us off with the IVF packet shown in the pictures above. In the first pic, I look so much like my Dad, but what I'm really doing is biting my lip and faking a smile because of the news and Gera's trying to make me ease. In the second one, after a few elevator rides up and down (yes we did ride the elevator literally up and down), he said something silly, something so Gera, and made me laugh; that one is genuine me. I had to post both pics.

So Gera and I can only conceive via IVF. However, we're not doing that. My health insurance does not cover IVF and we certainly don't have $11,000 unexpectedly lying around anywhere.

How are we doing?

We are disappointed but in a good place. Of course everything is more noticeable now than it used to be. This week alone I saw, all counted, 47 pregnant women, and when we watched movies, that one with Katherine Heigl was on. She accidentally gets pregnant and decides to have the baby. Then just today, while we were bumming around in our undies drinking coffee, taking advantage of the holidays, Mel Gibson's Apocalypse was on. Pregnancy everywhere. This can be expected though. And I have honestly found a little humor in it all.

We are surrounded by babies starting with my love Ruby, who is preparing for a little brother or sister in May, Cierra who is my little sky (she coos when I sing to her and I love putting her in front of their Christmas tree and watch her little 3 month old eyes wander from one light to the next), and we have Gera's son who may come live with us within the next year or two. We've been trying to get him for a while. It's not easy. So we're pretty kid-ed-up. I'm grateful for my eggs and too stingy to give them away so I will take them with me to my end. Sometimes, succumbing to fate is not so bad.


Jessicambay said...

I'm so sorry honey. I'm glad you're doing ok with the news, but it must be tough to hear. I love you and I'll be thinking about you.

jenn's mama said...

Thanks, sis. It is tough but not unbearable. Thanks for your thoughts. Hurry up and make me an Auntie...again. The pressure is on girly! And don't give me that excuse that having children is expensive.

Jessicambay said...

It's not about it being expensive, I just want to wait until it's something I can be excited about. We're just so happy already, we're not looking for anything new yet. I'm sure there's a biological clock somewhere in me though! I'll keep you posted. : )

jenn's mama said...

I was just kidding about the expensive thing. That seems to be the first thing that some people say about having children. Hoped you didn't fall into that category. And I know you and Justin are completely happy. Just don't wait too long.